Style Conversational Week 1273: Join the nominating committee
The Style Invitational Empress on this week’s new contest and results
Previously Worst President Ever James Buchanan; Krusty the Clown of “The
Simpsons”; and Gilda Radner as the confused Emily Litella in the early
“Saturday Night Live.” All were among the presidential candidates we
suggested in a 2008 contest.
By
Pat Myers
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Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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March 29, 2018 at 12:39 p.m. EDT
I have a really nice doctor
.
He’s even a veteran. Where’s his Cabinet post?
Twelve-time Loser (and one-time winner) Chris Damm — whom I met a couple
years ago when he drove all the way from West Virginia to attend a Loser
party — was inspired to suggest this week’s Style Invitational contest,
Week 1273, by last week’s appointment of
John Bolton as national security adviser. But that was so last week.
Less than 24 hours ago we got the news that the president had chosen his
personal doctor to head the Department of Veterans Affairs, overseeing
380,000 employees and a $180 billion budget.
Moments after I posted the Invitational this morning, I got a Facebook
message from a Loser who enters the Invite every single week, with lots
of success: “I think Week 1273 is going to get very ugly and too
screedy. See you next week for the foals contest.” “Screedy” is the word
I use to describe Invitational entries that are so angry and bitter that
their humor and wit are left struggling to escape the bile. Screedy
entries, by definition, do not get ink.
But I’m hopeful, even optimistic that we’ll be able to avoid the
screediness, given the unscreedy success of this contest’s predecessor,
which was posted after the nomination of Sarah Palin as John McCain’s
running mate in the 2008 presidential campaign. In that contest,
everyone had to work from the same list of “candidates”; this time, part
of the wit will be your creativity in thinking of the people and things,
and even maybe the federal posts themselves.
Here was Week 782, September 2008: **
*What voters want above all else is consistency, and no one else on the
ballot can match tapioca pudding in that regard . . .*
*Sure, a lot of historians say he was bad, but if you look at Buchanan’s
performance over the last 140 years, he’s been quite steady . . .*
This week, a twist on a perennial Invitational contest, the ol’ List of
Random Items: Play Partisan Pundit and explain why any of the items on
the list below is qualified to be the president of the United States, as
in the examples above by Loser Brendan Beary, who suggested this
contest. Alternatively, pair any two of the items and explain why they
would form an effective ticket for the general election. Or both. No
limit on the number of entries as long as they are brilliantly clever.
[Looking back, I’m not sure why I dropped the entry limit — concern that
I wouldn’t get enough good stuff otherwise?]
*· A moss-covered rock*
*· Krusty the Clown*
*· A dish of tapioca pudding*
*· Ex-president James Buchanan*
*· Bert from “Sesame Street”*
*· The Orange Line train from New Carrollton*
*· Vinko Bogataj, the “agony of defeat” ski jumper from “Wide World of
Sports”*
*· Benedict Arnold*
*· Emily Litella*
*· Sweeney Todd*
*· The Firefox browser*
*· Chuck Smith of Woodbridge*
*· Britney Spears’s hairstylist*
*· Cartman*
*· A 49-cent goldfish from Wal-Mart*
*· Zerbina the Pinhead*
/And the results four weeks later:
/
// *Report From Week 782,* in which we gave a list of people and other
things and asked you to explain why any of them would be qualified to be
president of the United States, or why any two of them would make a good
ticket. As you’ll see, a lot of the explanations are frankly an absurd
stretch. Well . . .
Frequently noted: The rock doesn’t change its position every time the
wind changes, and that Sweeney Todd and Britney Spears’s hairstylist
would both be good at making drastic cuts.
4. Vinko Bogataj, the “agony of defeat” ski jumper from “Wide World of
Sports”: People won’t mind watching him screw up the same way, over and
over again. (Mary Ellen Webb, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)
3. Benedict Arnold: Hey, he’s really only flip-flopped on one issue.
(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
2. /the winner of the McCain and Obama gargoyle statuettes: /The Firefox
browser: If the stock market ever crashed, we could simply restore the
previous session. (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.)
/And the Winner of the Inker:/
Benedict Arnold: Now here’s a candidate who has really fought for change
in American government! (Rick Wood, Falls Church)
/Dork Horses: Honorable Mentions/
*A moss-covered rock:*
— Though he presents a tough exterior, time has smoothed his rough
edges. And he’s a firm supporter of the environment (or firmly supported
by the environment). (Alli Peterson, Newark, Del., a First Offender)
— At least we’ll know which direction we’re headed. (Mary Ellen Webb,
Fairfax; Meredith Brown, Wilmington, Del. -- a First Offender)
— Moss Rock is solid in times of crisis, he’s clearly the true
environmental candidate, and his campaign anthem is one of the best
songs ever written. -- B. Seger (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
*A dish of tapioca pudding:* With the coming depression, who better to
serve on America’s bread lines? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
*Ex-president James Buchanan:*
— You’re not going to find any skeletons in Buchanan’s closet. Aside
from Buchanan, that is. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
— Not only does he not get involved in other countries’ imminent civil
wars, he doesn’t get involved in our own. (Bryan Crain)
— He won’t be having any sordid affairs with nubile young women!
(Christopher Lamora, Arlington)
*Krusty the Clown:* Who better to follow eight years of Bozo? (Mike
Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)
*Bert from “Sesame Street”:*
— Orientation aside, his monogamy is impressive -- 39 years with the
same partner. (Tristan Axelrod, Brescia, Italy)
— It’s time, after all these years, to have a man of letters in the
White House. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)
— Although he is from outside the Beltway, he somewhat resembles the
Washington Monument. (Dan Colilla, Washington, Pa.)
*The Orange Line train from New Carrollton:* It’ll repeat the same
messages to the same audience every day and they’ll still come back for
more! (Rick Haynes, Potomac)
*Vinko Bogataj, the “agony of defeat”
ski jumper from “Wide
World of Sports”:*
— He’s arguably the world’s greatest roll model. (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village)
--- He’s a down-to-earth kind of guy. (Ed Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)
*Benedict Arnold:* He’s shown great flexibility in adjusting his views
to reflect changing political realities — and he’s provided useful
assistance to our oldest and staunchest ally in the Global War on
Terror. (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.)
*Emily Litella: *
— Because, deep down, most of us would be kind of curious to see flea
erections. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
— Because she asks the questions we need to hear, like: “What’s all this
we hear about parasailin’ being good for vice president? Sure, hanging
from a kite and being dragged by a boat may be fun, but is it prudent?”
(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)
— She’s opposed to the whore in Iraq and our young soldiers being maimed
by exploding IUDs. Why are we sending our troops to an Iraqi whore
anyway? What’s wrong with American whores? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
*Sweeney Todd:* No rubber chicken at /his/ fundraising banquets! (Peter
Metrinko)
*Britney Spears’s hairstylist: *
— Sure, he blows a lot of hot air, but I’ll bet he’s pretty
knowledgeable about domestic affairs. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
— Managing the budget of a country with a huge deficit will be no
problem for this candidate: He’s used to doing a lot with nothing. (Beth
Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)
— A true populist: He’ll give the top half and the bottom half the same
treatment. (Jay Shuck)
*Cartman:* When mortgages fail and countless families declare
bankruptcy, we will want a leader capable of jumping at least three
homeless people at once. (Sean Dolan, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender)
*A 49-cent goldfish from Wal-Mart:*
— Because it’s time for a new bag of carp in the White House. (Kevin
Dopart, Washington)
— Vote Goldfish: You know he’s in the tank for you. (Bruce Alter)
*Chuck Smith of Woodbridge * [for many years, and perhaps still today,
The Style Invitational’s most famous entrant; he dominated the contest
in its early years and the Style section even did a big, sort of
satirical story about him
]:
— Look at his success in foreign policy: He’s already had a Czar and an
Empress wrapped around his finger. (Marc Boysworth, Burke)
— I can see Dale City from my house. As for foreign relations, I’ve
traveled to Mexico, specifically Cancun, and experienced a bad hangover
on the plane ride back. I’ve often been quoted in The Washington Post. I
am an expert on natural gas, as I am lactose-intolerant. I have been
drug-free for many years, more if you don’t count stool softeners. I am
no stranger to torture, as I have attended a Celine Dion concert. Court
records of my teenage years are sealed. And I once sold something on
eBay. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
*TICKETS*
*Tapioca pudding/goldfish: *One is old-fashioned, plain, lumpy, pasty
and white, the other new and unknown, with limited experience swimming
in a small pond, suddenly thrust out in the world in a goldfish bowl,
unable to hide. Just right for the GOP. (John Bunyan, Cincinnati)
*Moss-covered rock/Benedict Arnold:* Both the rock -- it’s no rolling
stone -- and Benedict Arnold take a firm anti-revolution stance. (Pam
Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)
*Goldfish/Bert:* As Sarah Palin reminds us, “We must not blink.” Here
are two candidates who never will! (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park; Steve
Offutt, Arlington; Dan Ramish, Vienna)
*Benedict Arnold/James Buchanan: *Our counterintelligence efforts will
vastly improve under two people who know what it’s like to play for the
other team. (N.G. Andrews, Portsmouth, Va.)
*Goldfish/Chuck Smith:* The 49-cent goldfish, you have to wonder if
there’s a lot a life left in it, and Smith constantly gets his name in
the paper for saying silly things. Not the most endearing “qualities”
per se, but that doesn’t seem to matter. (Christopher Lamora; Brian
Cohen, Potomac)
*BREAKING THE BANK: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1269*
This contest
just
never gets old! I laughed repeatedly this week while judging this year’s
Mess With Our Heads contest, in which you choose a real headline from
The Post (most entries) or another publication and reinterpreted it
through the addition of a bank head, or subtitle. The Czar, who indulged
me by reading over my very long “shortlist,” also “singled” out more
entries than I could reasonably run. (I ended up with 40 online, had to
trim four or five in print.)
What a happy discovery when I looked up the winners’ names after the
judging and saw that this week’s Lose Cannon winner was Elden Carnahan
of Laurel, Md. — or Nether Scaggsville, he likes to call it, after a
nearby tiny town. Elden, one of a very few Losers to have gotten ink in
every one of the Invitational’s 25 years (and we’re now begun Year 26) ,
is really the father of Loserdom as a social community: It’s Elden who
called people out of the phone book after seeing their names in the
Invite in Year 1, and asked if they’d like to meet for breakfast, and
coordinates the monthly Loser brunches to this day (No. 207 is
approaching , in Gettysburg);
Elden who headed the snail-mailed newsletter Depravda in the
pre-Internet days, then took over the Losers’ website, now NRARS.org
; and of course Elden who keeps the Loser Stats,
into which every inking Loser’s name
and entry since Week 1 is recorded and analyzed in myriad ways. Which is
how I know that this is Ink No. 563 for Elden, and his 21st win of the
whole contest.
Second-place Loser David Kleinbard is also a way-back Invite veteran,
blotting up 106 inks since Week 196, including 16 “above the fold”
(winner or runner-up); that’s an impressive ratio. Our other two
runners-up this week are more recent conscripts but, happily,
significant Invite time-squanderers: Frank Mann just got Ink No. 80 and
Bill Dorner No. 28.
Even though the contest spanned 12 days of headline-searching online and
in print, and allowed any publication dated in those days, the headlines
in the print Post generated a lot of duplication; “Trump’s turnover
breaks White House records” brought many similar entries about “the
biggest pastry ever” as well as getting apple filling on the Cabinet
minutes, shattering old LPs, and also one about him breaking his bed
when he flopped onto his back. None ended up getting ink; there were so
many good heads that were robbed this week. (So if this week’s contest
indeed doesn’t pan out, I know what I can fill the page with four weeks
from now.)
This funny entry definitely violated the rule that you couldn’t shorten
the original headline to change its meaning:
The 7 most interesting parts of Stormy Daniels
/It’s her smile, her hair, her chin, her nose, her navel, and two
[redacted] like you’ve never seen before — D.T. , Washington/ (Dave Zarrow)
The real headline: The 7 most interesting parts of Stormy Daniels’s
lawsuit against Trump
*What Doug Dug: * Copy Editing Ace Doug Norwood, who is just about the
only other person who gets paid for reading The Style Invitational, was
especially partial to David Kleinbard’s “wet snowflakes” runner-up; he
also singled out Amy Harris’s snarky “Title hopes dashed/ Redskins hold
first preseason practice”; Danielle Nowlin’s “What’s new in hip and knee
replacement?/ Mostly hip and knee”; and Ivars Kuskevics’s observational
humor that in a heavy Baltimore accent, the name of the city sounds an
awful lot like “bomber.”
(I share some unprintable entries from Week 1269 at the bottom of this
column. If you don’t want to read tasteless humor, please don’t scroll
down that far. Thanks.)
*Happy holidays *— Easter, Passover, April Fool’s, whatever you
celebrate. And if you want to have fun at your Passover seder, I
strongly recommend the (free!) booklet of “Seder Songs,” a marvelously
clever and funny (but not too irreverent) set of dozens of song parodies
by Loser Barbara Sarshik. Download it at barbarasarshik.com
— we’ll be singing “Everything’s Coming Up
Moses” and several more at our seder tomorrow.
----
---
*Headed off: Unprintable bank heads
*There were many. Danielle Nowlin’s “Tangled, Timeless Visions of the
South” to refer to Brazilian waxes passed the threshold, but I wan’t
going to try these (some of them were submitted specifically as
“Convo-only”):
:Trouble swallowing? See a specialist.
/Professional fluffer offers advice/ (Chris Doyle)
Blender Dutch Babies [a pancake/crepe dish]
/In Europe, critics charge graphic antiabortion ad ‘crossed the line’/
(Mark Raffman)
Woman wins conch-blowing contest -- and a marriage proposal
/From a VERY satisfied conch /(Brendan Beary; similar one by Frank Osen)
Breakthrough in Maryland on Metro funding, as Hogan and legislature come
together
/High hopes for dedicated revenue source following historic simultaneous
orgasm in statehouse/ (Jesse Frankovich)
How a porn star’s secret spilled into public view
/“Wardrobe malfunction at AVN Awards reveals stud’s ‘sextension’/ (Jeff
Contompasis)
Bigger questions than ‘Who are you wearing?’
/Cadaver-skin fashions are so 2017/ (Paul Burnham)
And for the first time, Mae Scanlan — the grande dame of The Style
Invitational — makes the Unprintables:
Witness recounts 1995 sex assaults
/Woman seems to be in remarkably good shape, considering she was
attacked almost 2000 times/